Freddie…

I am a couch potato today. I am sitting here in the couch reading, surfing, looking at Tovah listening to her CD books (the type that says ”boing” when it is time to turn to the next page). The rain is pouring down outside and it would have been a perfect day if it hadn’t been for Freddie’s funeral today. I cannot grasp that he has left this world, that I won’t see him at the next management course occasion, he won’t ask me how I am doing in hos truly sincere manner. He could like no other switch from being funny and cheerful to be totally serious and sincere. I have known him since December 2002 and he has really helped change (to the better). During the management course we have had four different coaches in the process but I Freddie is the one that I got closest to. Freddie’s death is a real loss and it makes me very sad. Both from feelings that he had much to give in this world but also from totally egoistic feelings that he could have helped me even further in my personal development process. Freddie, I will truly miss you! I still remember the last words you told as you were heading to the taxi at Brändön. The wind was forceful and I was just getting ready to leave on my Spirit. I was standing there in shorts in about 10 degrees and it was raining. You and the other coaches were joking with me that you weren’t envying me and my bike ride home. You were last in the row heading to the taxi and you turned around and said: ”Call me if there is anything you want to talk about.” Just then the wind caught my gloves that flew away and I ran after them for a few meters. When I turned around you were already getting into the taxi and I never really got a chance to give you an answer to your request. That was the last I saw of you….
Yesterday just before lunch when I found out about Freddie’s death, I really lost all energy and I only allowed myself to be sad for a short while. I had a lecture just after lunch that I was preparing and I had to push on. I took my thoughts and feelings about Freddie’s death and put them into one of my famous wells and covered it with a heavy lid. I haven’t opened the lid until just now, when I am writing this. The lesson I have learned during the spring is that no matter the size of the lid or its weight, it will eventually let the thoughts and feelings out. And thus, it is better to open it now and handle the feelings immediately. In 35 minutes the funeral will start. One of my first thoughts yesterday when I found out about was that I have to attend. Unfortunately I am very far away but I will visit the grave the next time I down in Malmö. A white lily on your grave will be right…
It is hard to be sad when a happy 3 year old girl ”attacks” you and giggles…. I guess life must go on, but death still is a strange thing and it must be one the hardest things to get used to and be able to ignore. Sigh, I feel really tired now, opening the well totally drained me. Cannot it stop raining so we can go for a walk? And I feel fat…
By the way. I have been chatting with Tele2 support today and as I guessed my fiber connection wouldn’t work today after the 10 day period and Tele2 says that it should work and if it doesn’t work by 17.00 today I should call support to verify my settings and potentially file a error report. Of course it won’t start working, who would do anything on a Saturday without a serious error report to get them going….
Freddie….

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