Night food

I tried to get into bed early tonight, but I got stuck with a new book. All night I have had this anxiety feeling in my chest and whenever I get that I start eating. I got up 30 minutes ago and ate 4 sandwich, a piece of cheese and a can of chick peas. I just cannot stop eating when I feel down 🙁 The house feels really empty, both for good and bad. One should always try to see the positive side of everything, and the positive side right now is that I can do what I want and do it whenever I want to. But then again, it is nice to share experiences with somebody. I am getting really active around the house. I have done more here during the last week than during the last year before that. You get spoiled when you have a wife that takes care of everything. Oh well, back to bed and trying to sleep. Carpe diem.

Living alone

I have not been blogging for a while, and the reason is that a lot of things has happened in my life during the last month. First of all I am now living alone as I and Johanna have separated. She is currently living with Tovah in Värnamo in her brothers apartment. We have been separated 1.5 weeks now and I am beginning to get the hang of living on my own. We have decided to live in separate homes until at least mid august but Johanna is already planning ahead for a more final solution, divorce. She is looking for a small apartment here in Luleå where she can live until the end of the year and then move down to Småland somewhere. The reason she wants to stay in Luleå at all is so we make it easier for our daughter to stay with me alone. Johanna has been home with her for several years now and that of course makes it harder for her to be alone for longer periods with me. I might not have been the most engaged dad, unfortunately.
So what what brought this all about then? Well, me and Johanna haven’t been too happy together during the last year or so and Johanna put it quite well, “It has been a long time since we had fun together.” We didn’t talk to much with each other and just shared a house without actually living together. This made me at least sad and when I meet a new friend, with whom I got along very well things perhaps got a bit out of hand. I started meeting my new friend and with that came all the lies at home. This all made me feel very bad and pulled me down into the abyss where I just wanted it all to go away. Anyhow, Johanna found out and left me on the spot and disappeared with my daughter for a week. Well there it is….
I have never really lived alone in my whole life. When I left my parents in Malmö I moved into an apartment that I shared with two guys from the university. After this I moved into a shared apartment closer to the university where I stayed for 3 months before I moved in with Johanna in march 1991. I have now been alone in this house for 1.5 weeks and that is the longest period of time I have been alone in my own home for 12 years.
A friend of mine who divorced a couple of years ago ended up in the same situation where he started to live on his own after the divorce and he made himself to a martyr where he was set on really learning how to live on his own. I have no such fixed plan and I certainly don’t want to become a martyr. I have been meeting with people, going to parties and I have to admit that I have been drinking way to much. I decided this morning when I got home around 03:30 (drunk again) that I was going to put away all the beer, cider, wine etc. into a cabinet and not drink for a while. I also have too try to get more sleep. I am a bit behind in that department. 5-6 hours every night is not enough.
What about the new woman then? Well, she is divorced and have two children (boy 10 and girl 12) that live with her every other week during the year, but now during the summer they are living with her the first part of the summer. The boy seems to have accepted me immediately but unfortunately the daughter has not. She has been very angry with her mother about me being there. This has obviously put the “new woman” into somewhat of a tiresome situation with me against the daughter. The woman also is really undecided about what she wants in the future and currently she is traveling on business followed by a visit from her sister during the coming week. I guess we will see what happens but it feels a bit like I am currently rather far down on the list of important things in her life 🙁
I would like give credit to two of my very close friends Jalle and Håkan who has helped me tremendously during this period. Thanks guys for being there for me and listening to my rambling about myself and women.