Yesterday evening I realized that Johanna is still my love and I want to focus on getting together with her again. Our joint problem has been that we haven’t been talking with each other and during the night I tried to bring up everything I have been holding back during the last years. I did this via a long email (yes I know it is not talking about it but it is a start, right?!) and after I wrote it I felt very good. I felt relieved. Johanna’s worry is that she is not my first choice, but rather something that comes in second place when there is nothing better around. But she is wrong in having that worry. I have now realized that she is the right woman for me and I very eager to try to find that feeling of real love we had for each 12 years ago. I must say that I actually feel very good.
After sleeping 7 hours I felt really rested and got up full of energy. For the first time in a month I actually felt like working. I had to work today as I had to hand in a final version of a paper for the MMNS 2003 conference in Belfast, where I am going in september. For dinner I had a guest, one of my most eager blog readers, my graduate student Mikael Drugge and after that I planned to go down town to listen to the Gültzau rock festival, but I got stuck with some emailing and landed in the sofa before the TV with a laptop, surfing and watching bad movies.

Women, cannot live with them and you cannot export them all to Siberia. Although I sometimes wish that was possible. Wouldn’t it make life easier???? Perhaps a bit more boring, but still much easier.

Waiting, one can wait for many things. The worst type of waiting is when you don’t know when it is going to happen. Soon? Right now? Tonight? Tomorrow? When? I am currently waiting for a phone call that I am anxious to receive. I have already been waiting for two almost two days and about an hour ago I actually got a response that I would receive the important phone call tonight. Which I guess means sometime between 19:00 and 22:00.
There is a swedish saying that translated says, “If you are waiting for something good, you are never waiting too long.” Well, what if you don’t know what you are going to get then? I am a rather goal oriented person so even if an answer is negative I think it is better to get it as soon as possible instead of waiting forever. Sort of, put the horse out of its misery. Well, at least I know that am going to get the call tonight.
And I need new flowers on the table as well. They look a bit “tired”.

Woke up around 09:30 and actually felt like I had slept enough for the first time in a long time. I stayed in bed and red a book when my dear friend Håkan called around 10:30 and wanted to check up on me. I really appreciate that, Håkan. Thanks!
Got up and ate two bananas for breakfast. Played with my new physical appearance change attribute for an hour and then left for the gym in high pace on my bike. Worked out a bit, took a walk around down town, biked to Kvantum and bought some food. Made lunch, ate on the porch, sat in the sun for an hour. Got to hot and went inside. Watched some movies. End of day…..
Now isn’t that pathetic….. I have to get my act together and start doing something useful.

So yet another day has almost past…. I spent the evening by watching two movies at home, In Hell (Jack the Ripper story) and a Beck movie, The Last Witness. They were both rather good although the latter one had a rather heavy part about love and trusting people, that stabbed me rather hard in the chest and got me thinking again.
I feel like I have much more energy now than earlier today. Perhaps my blogging is actually helpful? By the way, I took of my wedding ring yesterday. It feels very strange not to wear it all the time, which I have done since april 2 1996. I met Johanna in december 1990 in the common room in her student corridor. She was watching TV and I said hello (which I did to all nice looking women) on my way to another friend in the same corridor. On the way out she was still sitting there and I wished her a merry christmas. Apparently, that made a strong impression on her 🙂 One of the strongest memories I have from the time before we actually got together was when I was going to visit here. It was sometime before lunch and I went up to the seventh floor where she was living at that time. I rang on the door bell, but no one answered. I waited and gave up after a while and just as I was walking towards the stairs she opened the door to the corridor. Her short hair was in a mess and she was wearing her favorite big baggy training suit, which she always wore at home before she had to throw it away because it was falling to pieces. When I saw here then I became so happy. So very very happy. Where did all that happiness go?
Later the same spring I got ill with a fever and she sat by my side and took care of me.
In may we went to yet another late night fancy dinner and dancing and got home around 05:00. This was the first time we actually realized how light it gets very very early during the summer up here and we had to put up a blanket to cover the window to be able to sleep.
Over the years we coined an expression that keep coming up every time we travel somewhere: “We are on vacation! What do we do? We walk!” 🙂
A couple of years ago we invented a game called “Bubbla” (swedish for bubble meaning the VW beetle). Whenever someone of us saw a Bubbla we shouted it and counted how many Bubblas we saw during that day or week or whatever. I miss playing the Bubbla game with you!
We have shared so much together. And now it is all in the past!

I woke up at 0830, woken by the heating pipe guys working outside (again). I felt rather good when I woke up. Stayed in bed until 10.00 and finished my book. Got up and ate breakfast (Galia Melon) and talked with my best friend Jalle on the phone. He is leaving town for Ö-vik today to work some and to be with his girl friend, Ida. I feel so lonely, The house is very empty. I just spoke with Johanna and Tovah on the phone for 30 minutes. Johanna confirmed that she doesn’t want to move back into the house in August. Tovah talked about people being angry and I guess Johanna has said that she is angry with me, it is quite understandable but it still makes me very sad. Where is my life heading…… alone in the darkness. I get so tired when I am sad. I also eat to much and I just stuffed myself again. Does it make anything better? No, I don’t think so. Perhaps a cup of the will cheer me up.
I got a new toy today, a Canon IXUS 400 digital camera but I am to tired to play with it. Shortly I have to head into town for an appointment. At least that gives me something to do. I have been meeting up with Jalle almost every day since Johanna moved out and now he too is gone (well, not gone in the same sense as Johanna but still not in town).
When I asked Johanna about if she was really sure about moving to a separate apartment she said she was sure and that it was the best thing to do. I almost started crying when she said it though. I don’t know if I want her to move back, but it still feels like loosing something essential in your life. We do have lived together for 12 years of which most of the time we did get along very well. Tired……..
Perhaps I should just shuffle all my feelings down into the well and put back the big lid on it and just work instead. The weather is to nice to be inside though. NO, I shall not ignore my feelings. I have done that for so many years and it is time I stop doing it, even if it is painful. Ahhh, my chest suddenly hurts. It stopped but now I feel even more tired. My heart is pounding.
Alone in the darkness….
Ps. Writing this makes me feel better though.

Physical appearance can be important to some and I have to admit that it is important to me…. and thus I have changed my physical appearance today. How you might wonder? Well, take a close look the next time you see me and/or ask me directly 🙂

I tried to get into bed early tonight, but I got stuck with a new book. All night I have had this anxiety feeling in my chest and whenever I get that I start eating. I got up 30 minutes ago and ate 4 sandwich, a piece of cheese and a can of chick peas. I just cannot stop eating when I feel down 🙁 The house feels really empty, both for good and bad. One should always try to see the positive side of everything, and the positive side right now is that I can do what I want and do it whenever I want to. But then again, it is nice to share experiences with somebody. I am getting really active around the house. I have done more here during the last week than during the last year before that. You get spoiled when you have a wife that takes care of everything. Oh well, back to bed and trying to sleep. Carpe diem.